Reality Check

 

I'm all wiggly and excited because I finally get to go to Ireland this month. I've never been AND have had it on my List AND I have family history research to do there AND I finally get to go! And not just go, but go with a big, fun group of friends to celebrate St. Patrick's Day and drink Guinness and buy fisherman sweaters and meet leprechauns. 

I had recently been lamenting the interminable amount of time that had passed since I last traveled overseas. It had been ages! Eons! LIGHT-YEARS! (Wailing) Oh, I don't even know where my passport is - it's been so long since I've seen it. It's probably expired!

Then I went to look up the dates of my last overseas trip, and found it to be right around this time. In 2011. That's last year's 2011.

Why do I have absolutely no concept of time? Am I suddenly 100? One measly year passes and I crumble into a sobbing heap of self-pity, because I haven't gotten to go overseas?

I really did think it had been longer than a year. I'm going to blame my dysfunctional space-time continuum on the fact that it's a Leap Year. Leap Year - just like that Amy Adams movie they filmed in Ireland. Where I get to go this month. To celebrate St. Patrick's Day and drink Guinness and buy fisherman sweaters and meet leprechauns.

Stupid United Airlines

I got that Mileage Plus credit card, for the extra 25,000 miles, so I could upgrade my flight to London on March 7. Smart, eh?


On March 3 United and Continental initiate their merger.

Saturday, March 3: My miles aren't showing up online. I call the number for Mileage Plus, the frequent flier program (800.421.4655). "We have been experiencing higher than normal call volume for several days ... you may want to consider using self-service options on United.com." Yes, my miles aren't showing up online. So I need to speak with a person, not just "Alex" the useless online help robot.

I try the regular Reservations line.

I give up after waiting 1.5 hours on hold.

Sunday, March 4: I call the number for Mileage Plus (just in case something has magically changed overnight, like when I expect my previously empty refrigerator to magically conjure up a freshly baked chocolate cheesecake, so I continue opening the door and checking).

I am told to call back "at a later time". 

I call back ten seconds later, to the Reservations 800 number, shouting "AGENT" forcefully into the receiver, until RoboMan says "Okay, I'll transfer you to an agent". Then another robot says "Your wait time may be more than one hour." Fine, I'll just sit here and watch "Down With Love", with the phone sitting next to me.

Ewan McGregor and Renee Zellweger romp, tease and innuendo their way through the 2 hour movie, and I'm still on hold. I carry the phone into the office, so I can print a few hotel vouchers, and the hold promotions are still going. I go to NBC.com and decide to watch "Saturday Night Live" because people said Lindsay Lohan redeemed herself. I watch for 50 minutes, and ultimately disagree with the people.


I walk away from the phone, still "on hold".

After four hours, I finally hang up. During those four hours, the hold advertiser man kept telling me about all the great things I could do with my Mileage Plus miles. Cruel and unusual. Possibly ironic.

Monday, March 5:
11:10am - I call the main number for Reservations Assistance (800-864-8331), and Recording Lady tells me that they are experiencing an unusually high call volume, and if my flight isn't within the next 72 hours, I should try calling back later. She does not have an answer for me when I yell "My flight IS within the next 72 hours - NOW WHAT?!" So, then after shouting "AGENT" enough times for Recording Man to take me seriously, he says "okay, I'll transfer you to an agent", and then hangs up on me.

11:22am - I call again, shout "AGENT" several times and prepare to throw the phone across the room, but this time I get the message "Your current hold time is 40 minutes". They are either making progress, or lying.

12:02am - (Forty minutes later) Recording Man is still regaling me with all United's amazing features and feats. Now the recordings are starting to interrupt one another. Recording Man 1 is regaling me, when Recording Man 2 bursts in to discuss how to "earn up to 40,000 bonus miles".

12:14pm - someone finally picks up. I am pretty sure he's in India. I don't catch his name, but at least he's not a robot, or another Recording Man.

12:39pm - After deducing he cannot solve my problem, India Man says he will transfer me to someone in Mileage Plus. I say "you're not going to put me on hold for another hour are you?" "No, no no ma'am, the call is coming from my phone, so someone will pick up."

12:41pm - No one picks up. I'm back in the queue. "If you are not traveling in the next 72 hours, please consider calling back..." Recording Man is giving me menu options, and I am trying not to cry. Although, "your estimated wait time is three minutes" is kind of better? Ish?

"We are investing 550 million dollars in fleetwide improvement over the next few years..." Please invest a few of those dollars in PEOPLE TO ANSWER YOUR PHONES.


In United Time "three minutes" means one hour and three minutes.

1:44pm - Pablo answers the phone. He needs details. He needs to put me on hold again and contact a different department. He needs to put me on hold several more times, and apologizes for each.


2:13pm - Pablo returns and tells me the correct number of miles should be available online "in 4-5 minutes", then explains he cannot upgrade me, himself, and will have to transfer me to the Mileage Plus department. "You're not going to put me on hold for another hour, though, are you?" I ask. "No, ma'am, I will just transfer you to the Mileage Plus department." I hear a "Beep, beep", then a click.


"We're sorry, your call cannot be completed. Please hang up and try again."


I need to eat something.

2:40pm - When I try to call the Mileage Plus department myself, and this time give the Recording Man actual answers, rather than just yelling "AGENT" at him, we go through all the hoops, and Recording Man says "I'll just transfer you to an agent to assist with your upgrade", and then I hear "We're sorry, but all agents are busy. Please call back."


2:44pm - I try the non-toll-free number (605-399-2411) "Thank you for calling United's Mileage Plus Program. Due to extenuating circumstances we are unable to service your call at this time. Please try your call later. You can also visit us online at United.com"

"Did you know Mileage Plus has been rated the best Frequent Flier program by Global Traveler Magazine, eight years in a row?"

I realize there are no perfect airlines, however I have never had a more frustrating experience contacting (or trying to contact) a globally recognized company. Ever. And that includes Capital One, Microsoft AND Comcast. I don't recall any of those companies ever having a recording that simply said "Try calling back later", and then still being unavailable "later".

American Airlines, you are still my Numero Uno, and I'm so very sorry I did not book this flight with you. I was trying to avoid an extra stop, but an extra stop would have involved a mere fraction of the annoyance I've been through with United. 

So, I'm probably not getting that upgrade, but at least I have those extra 25,000 miles! For something!

St. Petersburg - If You Love Hate

Fat Tuesday made me think of all kinds of fat things: The Biggest Loser contestants, my kitty cat Herb, my passport. I have been to all seven continents, and manage to overspend in each city I visit. You're welcome foreign cities. Until today, St. Petersburg has been on my list of Places To See Before I Die. And then I saw this:

February 20, 2012. In just one week the city of Saint Petersburg could pass an outrageous bill that will make it a crime to read, write, speak or meet to discuss anything  considered “Gay”. 


I have never screamed "WTF" so much in my entire life. Then I went to Google Translator to figure out how to scream it in Russian. (The abbreviation just came out with the same letters, so I spelled it out.)


Dear St. Petersburg: Что за хрень?!

Fine, whatever, I will just continue to spend my money in the Western European countries.

How My Sister Packs For Christmas

Middle sister, Jessie, is here for five days. She arrived at noon on December 24, and is leaving around the same time on December 29. She brought a monster bag, weighing over fifty pounds (until she put some things into a duffel for the flight). She could not remember what she had packed, and I knew it wasn't presents because she is Princess Gift Card (I am not belittling the gift card - I love the gift card, and gave out quite a few, myself, this year - I am simply making the point that none of the over-50 pounds were presents). Since she accumulated around 7-10 extra pounds worth of Christmas loot, from Santa, she was concerned about the luggage weight for her return to Denver.


"Gretch, come look at my bag and help me figure out why it is so heavy". Okay. There were the requisite, normal, three pairs of jeans (good), one sweaterdress (good), one pair of tights to go with sweaterdress (uh hunh), one heavy, clunky belt (fine, but wear it on the way back, what is it made of, iron?), and then four long-sleeved shirts that didn't really go with anything else in the bag, and that's where the logic unraveled. The remaining contents to be sung to the tune of "The 12 Days of Christmas"...


Eight pairs of socks
Seven similar sweaters 
Six pairs of undies
FIVE, FANCY BRAS (who are you planning to see while you're here?)
Four workout outfits
Three pairs of pajamas (?) 
Two pairs of boots
and a bikini with heavy metal clasps


We do not have a hot tub. I must also mention that two of the seven similar sweaters were actually closer to identical: black, wool turtleneck. She was wearing one, when I pulled another one out of the bag and held it up. She laughed. I think she does it on purpose so she can borrow my stuff. "I thought about packing my puffy down coat, but it didn't fit. Can I borrow yours?" Last year she had to borrow my socks, though, so...baby steps. 

(Big finish) AND A BIKINI WITH HEAVY METAL CLASPS.

I hope everyone had a fabulous holiday!

Vicarious Movie Travel

I'm not going anywhere anytime soon, but I shore is goin' places on muh teevee. Turner Classic Movies continues to expand my (unnecessary) familiarization with old-timey movies, and I commented, to no one in particular, "Hey, a lot of these old-timey movies take place on ships". (My dad mistakenly took that as an invitation to one of his long-winded explanations about how, in those days, ship travel was the way most people..."No!" I shouted, "It was just an observation!" I had to cut him off. I was missing precious snappy dialogue.)

Today I sailed on the S.S. Queen Anne from Southampton to New York with Myrna Loy and William Powell in "Libeled Lady", from 1936.

Don't be fooled by the poster, the movie was a classic black & white. I curse the people who colorize the classics. It looks wrong. Like your two-year old got into your rouge and powder and smeared it all over the filmstrip.

If you love fashion, but think "I don't like black & white movies", you need to re-evaluate your likes and dislikes, toute suite. Oh my God, everything Jean Harlow wore had fur sleeves, including her nightgown.
 

Never mind that Ms. Harlow forgot her bra for the duration of the film, the clothes were astounding. Each new scene had me blurting out things like "Fur sleeves!" and "Her dress matches the furniture!" and "Why is she still not wearing a bra?"

She's on the phone to the costume department, asking the same question.

I watch a lot of old movies, and often find myself wondering "How did they get their hair like that?"

People put effort into it back then. Jean Harlow and Spencer Tracy were not on the ship, though, let's get back to that.

I mean, the hats alone warrant a celebration. Black tie and gowns for dinner. And more fur!

This was not a Carnival Cruise.

Eventually they disembarked, but the fashion kept coming.

I think those were real flowers on her dress.

I don't know how I have lived this long without having seen this movie. It was hilarious, clever, entertaining, and insane with the fashion. Maybe I should spend less time traveling, and more time on the couch with TCM.

Mercury is Retrograde

"Mercury is retrograde" is a phrase I frequently employ when, in fact, Mercury IS retrograde. It helps explain the myriad communication snafus that result when the planet Mercury appears to be going backwards. "Oh, you didn't get that email? Yeah, Mercury is retrograde." Or "You tried to call me yesterday? I didn't get a message. But that's okay, because Mercury is retrograde."

Or as Astrology.com explains it:

A planet is described as retrograde when it appears to be moving backwards through the zodiac. According to modern science, this traditional concept arises in the illusory planetary motion created by the orbital rotation of the earth with relation to other planets in our solar system.

Since I just took a 2-hour walk with my dad, who talks like that all the time, rendering the simplest sentence nearly unintelligible, I just read "A planet is described as retrograde when it appears to be moving backwards, blah blah blah science, blah blah solar system."

That is neither here nor there. What IS here AND there is that Mercury tends to foul up any and all communication. What say you about this, Astrology.com?

In general, Mercury rules thinking and perception... and all means of communication...By extension, Mercury rules people who work in these areas, especially those who work with their minds or their wits: writers and orators...

AHA! That explains it! And I'm only kind of laughing at the word "orator".

Another thing that is here AND there is that the Brand New Book I Wrote is now officially listed on Amazon as available for pre-order, and NO ONE TOLD ME! WHA???? That is correct. I was going about my merry business on Facebook, and joking around with one of my friends, who then made a joke about pre-ordering my book, and I was all "oh, har har, yep". Then he came back with a "Whoa, a real entry and everything. Nice." This comment gave me pause. Not pregnant pause, not kitty-cat paws, but serious "Hang on a second, what is he talking about" pause. And before I could press "un-pause" I was over at Amazon typing in the title of my book, and you know what? IT WAS THERE.

Hellooooooo book! I was not appraised of this new development! I immediately sent an email to my editor (whom I love) with "AHEM" in the subject line, because cyber-coughing always gets people's attention. I demanded (in my nicest, non-all-caps, email voice) to know why I had to find out about this via a friend on Facebook, rather than a singing chocolate-shoe-gram, like all the really important authors. She still hasn't responded. And it's not just because I'm not a really important author. It is because? Anyone? Bueller?

It is because Mercury is retrograde.

Gearing Up For A Happy Christmas

I love Christmas, and I love London, and Claridge's knows precisely how to combine those two loves and make them even better:

Lanvin's creative director, Alber Elbaz, designed this and explains “The concept of the Christmas Tree decoration is to create an installation that carries the spirit of Lanvin, an infusion of tradition and modernity at the same time. The tree is to emanate and bring heartwarming joy to all who work and stay as guests at Claridge’s hotel..."

Mission accomplished. Now, you can bring me some of that heartwarming joy in the form of your famous elegant flats.