Friday, June 22, 2007

Special Ops

I don't mean "operations", like a Navy Seal unit, but rather "opinions". As in the Op Ed section of any newspaper. People who write the Op Ed column are actually paid just to have opinions. I love that, and think it is also crazy. Who voted those people Emperor or Empress of Opinions? I want that job. I have all sorts of opinions, on just about everything. Just ask any one of my friends, who promptly ignore me whenever I open my mouth. Come on! Everyone deserves to know my feelings on pressing issues such as overly-chatty grocery store checkers; or my proposed city garbage pick-up schedules; or what is REALLY the New Black.

I have been accused of being judgmental, which - on occasion - is true. I do think it is unfortunate that you have put on some weight, but sheesh, have you seen what you've been eating lately? I mean, put the shovel down - it's supposed to be used for gardening, not bread pudding... But, honestly, most of the time it is just me, having an opinion. I would love to be paid for having opinions, particularly if you are paid per opinion. I figure, I would probably make one squillion dollars per year. And that is a lot of dollars - at least in my opinion.

The flip side of the Op Ed section, is all the rest of the news, which is supposed to be un-biased. Yecccch. Un-biased is just so wishy-washy. Take a stand, for crying out loud. Okay, okay, being unbiased and presenting the facts allows the masses to take up their own discussions regarding their opinions, which is nice, and provides fodder for cocktail parties. And those loud shows on MSNBC and CNN.

Various regions of the U.S. voice their Ops in differing ways. I am going to make a few gross generalizations here, so have your Grain of Salt ready:

East coasters are very direct, sometimes frighteningly so, and a complete stranger will tell you that you should run a flatiron over that mop of frizz before stepping out the door in the morning. I call these "Aggressive Ops".

Midwest people are straightforward enough, but still intend every comment to be useful, and may offer suggestions in the form of a question like "did you realize how much those pants had shrunk up? I mean, I guess they are almost capris..."- "Standard Ops".

Southern folk will smile widely and nod at you, while thinking "did she get that frosted lipstick out of the 1983 time capsule that we buried in the back yard?", and as soon as you are out of earshot, they will share these insights with the neighborhood. They are well versed in "Secret Ops".

West coast people tend to just keep their opinions to themselves, and no matter how much they think that purse does not go with those shoes, they will not let it be known, but it may fester a bit in their brain. I call these "Inside Ops".

Again - Grains of Salt - there are exceptions to every rule. And I find that it is best to get your Grain of Salt off of the margarita glass. That is my Mandatory Op.