Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Owen Wilson - File Under "Whaaaaa???" and "Noooooo!!!"

Miss Teen South Carolina owes Owen Wilson a "Thank You" note for taking the focus off of her televised disaster. From FOX News:

LOS ANGELES — Police were called to Owen Wilson's home because of an attempted suicide report, according to a police log of weekend calls.
The Calls For Service report from the Santa Monica Police Department doesn't indicate who made the 911 call, but lists "attempt suicide" as the reason for the call.
Click here to see the report (pdf)
The call was received on Sunday at 12:08:16 p.m. The incident was “cleared” almost five hours later at 5:07:16 p.m.
Wilson was found bloody and dazed after trying to commit suicide by overdosing on pills and slitting his wrist in the wake of a blow-up with a close friend, a source told the New York Post.
A source close to the "Wedding Crashers" actor, 38, also told "Extra" that the actor did indeed attempt suicide over the weekend, saying Wilson has been depressed for the last few months, but not over a broken relationship.
The source also told “Extra” that Wilson’s famous younger brother, Luke Wilson, found him and that Wilson’s family and friends are shocked."

And since I pretend that Luke Wilson is my boyfriend, I am also shocked. I would even be shocked if Luke wasn't my pretend boyfriend.

Owen, as a huge fan of "Bottle Rocket" and "The Royal Tenenbaums", I am protesting your recent decision to end your life. The world is challenging enough, with guys like Kevin Federline procreating all over the place, professional athletes running horrible dog-fighting rings, and the ongoing drunk-driving sagas of Paris, Nicole and Lindsay.

You are far too valuable a personality to just disappear. If you try this again, I'll have you arrested for Grand Theft. Grand Theft of the Funny. And not just the Funny - the REALLY Smart Funny. You think that crap grows on trees? Do you want Hollywood to make even MORE versions of "Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle"? Because if you're not in there, wondering "was it Ramses? Or Tutenkamen?", we are going to have to suffer through endless fart jokes instead. Put on your thinking cap:

Give yourself a little pep talk:

And then take your shirt off:

Okay, that last part might not help YOU so much...

But seriously. Don't try that again.