Thursday, September 13, 2007

Waves of Paranoia

Am splashing through waves of paranoia after receiving phone message from Mother Of Bride, from past weekend's wedding. "Hello, it's Joyce Johnson...could you please call me when you get a chance?"

Mother Of Bride does not typically call, and am now subsequently fabricating horrific explanations for said call, in head:

1) Is calling to express shocked dismay at treatment of wedding guests:

At wedding Self was repeatedly explaining to friend of Groom, Jake Hanover , that Self would drag him kicking and screaming to the altar to be married, and there was to be no argument from him. Must marry Jake, most importantly, because Self adores Jake's parents, and wants nothing more than to go shoe shopping with his mother on a regular basis. Less importantly because Jake's parents have a gorgeous waterfront home, complete with sand volleyball pit and very fun fluffy dog; and least importantly, because Jake is argueably one of the nicest people you'll ever meet, and also just kind of hot.

(will now graciously point out that Jake has very lovely girlfriend - no disrespect meant, whatsoever - and threatened bond of forced marriage was more entertaining idea for self, and hoped perpetual shoe-shopping companion/fun Mother-in-Law).

2) Is calling because is angry:

Joking innuendos made alluding to actually completely innocent time M.O.B. spent in photo booth with son's 22 yr-old sexy friend.

(will notsograciously point out that 22 yr-old sexy friend ended up spending some, cough cough, quality time with Self's non-22 yr-old friend-who-shall-remain-nameless. Kerry.)

3) Is calling to scold:

Self ate more than the one sea-salt caramel. One caramel per person was designated at each place setting. Not two. Not seven.

And then the waves of paranoia subside, as I decide to imagine equally ridiculous hopeful reasons for the phone call:

4) Is calling with excessive praise:

M.O.B/and all influential friends was/were wildly impressed with Self's reading from "The Prophet" during ceremony, and one of influential friends, who is Very Important Producer, would like to offer Self very own television show for Oxygen network.


(Friends of Self pointed out that Church Reading Voice sounded nothing like Normal Voice - was several octaves lower - to which wave of paranoia asked "Did I sound drag-queeny?")

5) Is calling to plan dates:

M.O.B. and Mrs. Hanover are busily planning extravagant engagement party for Self and Jake, and need to know if Saturdays, or Sundays would be preferable.

Most likely, it is none of above reasons, and phone call will go something like:

Self: Halloooo?

M.O.B: Hi there - I think Steffenie said you have an extra program from the ceremony - could we have that back? We're making a scrapbook.

Self: Erm...yes - have extra program, but is covered in sea-salt caramel smudges...