Thursday, November 29, 2007

Thankful For More Stuff

This whole blog-tagging business is both flattering, and daunting. In regular tag, you just run around trying to thwap anyone within reach. In blog-tagging you single out individuals and make them tell you their utterly mundane thoughts deepest, darkest secrets. This is flattering, because the Taggers are really saying "You simply do NOT talk about yourself enough - we must have MORE!", and daunting, to the Tagged, because it's kind of like a homework assignment.

I have been previously tagged by the lovelies Suzel & Lost in Wonder, and am now being tagged by Darling Gervy. I will admit I may or may not have actually done those previous homework assignments...due to overwhelmedness, or distractedness, or more likely laziness. It is fun to add "ness" to the end of words.

So, Gervy's tag has something to do with being Thankful, which, if she really read my blog (evil smile) she would remember we covered recently. However, I AM flattered that Gervy chose me to be the sole beneficiary of her chocolate collection, I must dutifully acquiesce. Ness.

I'm off to the Windy City this weekend, so I would like to regale you all with 7 Things I'm Thankful For In Chicago:

1) Marshall Field's (if you try to correct me and say "It's Macy's now" you will lose an extremity. One of the important ones.)


3) Portillo's Hot Dogs

4) Deep Dish Pizza

5) Michigan Avenue Shopping

6) The Upcoming Forecast for SNOW this weekend

7) The People. The friendly, straightforward, easygoing, hysterically-funny people. Loves them in Chicago!

We've Got (Holiday) Spirit - YES WE DO!

We've made ourselves into elves. You can create one of your very own.

Click on the sentence below:

This one stars Sal, Hi Five, me and Card.

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Marie Claire - Come ON!

Is this REALLY the January cover?


I love Marie Claire because it has all the fun fashion and beauty stuff, paired with some fairly profound articles about women's issues around the globe, and I'm normally pleased with whichever celebrity they choose for the cover.

Christina Aguilera is no exception. I think she yanked herself back from the Dirrrrrrrty Pit, and cleaned up fabulously, much to Britney's undoubted alarm and dismay. Ms. Aguilera has cultivated a wicked fashion sense since the days of the buttless chaps, and I've enjoyed seeing photos of her, at various events, in her sky-high Christian Louboutins and 40s-inspired dresses and hairstyles.

Why did Marie Claire take all her clothes away? Why?

It's like the photography studio was burglarized, and the thief's jacket caught on a stray nail, but he was in a furious crack-fueled hurricane of adrenaline and just said "screw it!" and left the jacket behind. So that is all Christina had to wear at the cover photo shoot.

That, and a pound of Mystic Tan spray. And there is not a hint of irony in any of the headlines:

"Sexy Winter Skin" (rustic tangerine is NOT a sexy skin-tone)

"Tanning, Bleaching, Botoxing: Are you obsessed?" (are you kidding?)

And right above the pregnant belly:

"I said no to sex: and got sexier"

Commenting on Comments

I really feel like I have enough of a platform in which to blabber on and on (and on and on)

and I should reserve the "Comments" section strictly for Outside Commentors. That sounds a little like an evil gang from the Harry Potter Series , but not quite, so I'm not going to mention it.

But really. I can't decide if I'm supposed to be commenting on the comments, or just enjoying them and snickering to myself.

Part of me feels like not commenting is the same as when you get an email from someone and you read it and say to yourself "hahaha! that's a good idea" (depending on what the email said - if it was something about the importance of eating Brussels Sprouts, then you would NOT say "that's a good idea") but then forgetting to actually WRITE a response to the author of the email. And then they're all crabby, and think you're ignoring them.

The other part of me thinks that if I DID use my own comment section frequently, to comment on your comments, you'd be all "Dang - she just keeps talking and talking, and now she's doing it in OUR yard".

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

For Your Voyeuristic Fashion Pleasure

Pay a little visit to Little Miss I Heart Fashion.

I'm positively obsessing about that post, and am going to have sugarplum, candy dreams about all those party outfits.

That girl does NOT post enough!

Die Comcast Housemates!

Seriously. I cannot stand those commercials. They are not Comcastic.

Nor, as Jon Francis likes to say, are they Blogtastic.

Santa Gretta

I am in the habit of shopping with money I don't have (although not for shoes like this, because that is just crazy, but aren't they pretty?). It's irresponsible, dangerous and easy - just like I like 'em. Wait, what was I talking about?

Oh yes. Moneyless shopping.

So this hobby of mine comes in VERY handy at Christmas, when I'm allowed required to spend more of the money I don't have, but on OTHERS! 'Tis the season! Giving and such!

And I'm excited that I get to do this for complete strangers. This year my friends and I have "adopted" a family, but not that tedious kind of adoption, where you have to bring them back from one of those countries ending in "Stan", and enroll them in school and make sure they have their vaccinations, and a roof over their heads, and hot meals, and GOD being a parent is hard.

No, we have basically just agreed to buy Christmas presents for an entire family, which is MY kind of parenting.

The kind of parenting where I have to make sure everyone has shoes, and shirts, and coats, and earrings, and watches, and probably more shoes...

Aren't the holidays great?

Accentuate The Positive

I love hate Star Magazine because of stories like this:

Shupposhedly shtrong and fierce Tyra Banks is petrified of being seen without her wig, according to a Star Magazine report.

“Tyra is a confident woman for the most part, but she’s really insecure about her hair...

She doesn’t want any guy to see her without her wigs or extensions. Tyra feels like guys are with her for the image that they see on TV and in magazines. If one wakes up next to her without her glamorous hair, he may not call back.”
Erm...yeah... 'Cause you definitely want to hang on to the guy who only dates you because you have good hair.

I think there may be some guys out there who aren't even aware Tyra HAS hair...

Focus on the positive.

I said focus, not fixate.

What did I say about wearing pants while reading my blog?

Monday, November 26, 2007

Celebration - RUINED! RUINED I SAY!

Dammit - this is my 302nd post, so I managed to miss the jolly celebrating that happens with those big, round numbers.

So, I thought "Celebration Balloons!" and then thought Hot Air Balloons would really be more fitting.

Monday and Several Reality Checks

#1 - My mom has been reading the comments from the Thanksgiving post and is genuinely concerned that people believe the woman in the photo is her. She's so cute.

#2 - When working for a company that offers Antarctica travel, you occasionally have to deal with the fallout from this:

#3 - Whilst dealing with said fallout, along with normal Monday workload (read: HEAVY), it is inevitable that Travel Agent Imed will both call and email with what he thinks is an urgent and pressing issue.

#4 - Compared to a recently-sunk Antarctica ship, and the clients who are now apprehensive about their upcoming trips to Antarctica (aboard different ships) in December and January, a question about the cost of transfers for a February Costa Rica trip is not an urgent and pressing issue:

"I was quoted a total extra amount $866.00. which included transfer on 2/14/08 airport to hotel , 2nts at Marriott Hotel, half day Panama City tour etc, and then on 2/16 airport to pier, and then on 3/01/08 extra night at Hotel Melia Carliar ,Costa Rica and then 3/2/08 hotel-airport transfer and it includes our commission. So l am wondering if the additional $85.42 is the additional amount due on the trip insurance??"

#5 - Multiple question marks do not increase the likelihood of my answering your question quickly.

Sunday, November 25, 2007

The Agony of Cooking, and the Thrill of Da Feet

I am quite possibly the most useless person on all major holidays, where cooking is involved. Most obviously on Thanksgiving Day. I do not cook, and I harbor a visceral hatred for washing dishes.

My parents continue to allow me to commandeer their guest room, and shuffle through the 7 or so odd loads of laundry I drag with me each time I visit. And they actually seem perfectly happy to have me here.

The dishes issue gives me guilty pause each holiday, and there was one year I did bring my own rubber gloves with me, strapped them on and winced and whimpered through slimy dish after slimy dish. It was horrifying and I still have nightmares about a giant half-eaten sourdough stuffing beast, dripping with Palmolive dishwashing liquid (you're soaking in it!), chasing after me as I try to run through a tryptophan-induced semi-coma.

This year I begged and pleaded to be exempt from the dish-doing, and my mom didn't make a big deal of it, so I thought I was in the clear. However, enjoying appetizers and wine with sister and brother-in-law, while mom was in the kitchen waving her magic wand over the turkey, or whatever else you do to render it edible, my dad marched into the living room and announced "I'd like you to start cooking."

"Now?" I asked, feeling panic creep over me like gravy and giblets, or some other Thanksgiving-related analogy.

It wasn't "now", but "at some point" that he thought would be a good idea for me to join the Incredible Parade of Happiness that is cooking.

I completely understand that there are crazy people who truly relish the act of cooking. It's therapeutic! It's relaxing! It's creative!


So my dad and I began an argument where I was trying to explain to him that not everyone draws enjoyment from throwing together ingredients and spices and math problems and bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens; much like many crazy people do not really enjoy shopping for shoes.

I asked him if HE liked shopping for shoes, which I thought would end the conversation. It did not. My dad launched into a surprising monologue about how men's shoes really don't have the wide variety that women's shoes have, and it might be more enjoyable if there were better selections...which kind of left me thinking that my dad would very much enjoy shopping for women's shoes. This revelation did not mean he won the argument; but it did weaken my point a bit.

I've said it before. Life is short. There are activities we loathe, and activities we cherish, and with the rapidly diminishing time we have here on Earth, I strongly suggest that everyone spend as little time as possible on the agonies, and as much time as possible on the thrills.

Saturday, November 24, 2007

Friday - What Her Do?

Wanna know why there was no post on Friday? No? Don't care. Telling you anyway:

11AM - wake up (on vacation, no judging)

12Noon - brunch

1PM - shopping

2PM - shopping

3PM - still shopping

Shopping for Christmas? Should've been, but accidentally shopped a little for self.

4PM - recovering from shopping (recovering may or may not have involved a bar of Vosges with Goji berries and pink Himalayan salt. FANCY.)

6PM - dinner at sister & brother-in-laws' house and 8PM showing of

Thanksgiving vacation is exhausting.

Holiday Shopping

How long is TOO long, to be waiting for Adam-the-very-nice-but-slightly-absent-minded-cashier at Williams-Sonoma to ring up your purchases, only then to realize (after you point it out) that he thought there was only ONE item, when there were actually two?

"Wow, I thought that seemed a little heavy to just be one..."

Um-hmmm. Yes, so please, now, take your time to ring up Item #2, in a completely separate transaction, which should have been rung up with Item #1, in the first transaction. You may certainly have my card again. I am really enjoying the standing, and the waiting, and the polite nodding, and the even-more-polite agreeing with you, that yes, that those items together did seem like one very heavy item.

45 minutes is too long.

Thursday, November 22, 2007

Happy Thanksgiving!

I said I would post a photo of a turkey, but since I didn't bring my camera, I had to borrow one from Google images. My mom was assisting in the photo selection, saw this one and cried "THAT ONE! And say that's me carrying it!"

And then we laughed for about 20 minutes.

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

The Answer is No

The girls and I are always yammering on and on about how David Beckham can pull off ANY look.

Nail polish? Fine. Mohawk? Yep. Speedo? YES, THANK YOU.

Yesterday, Card sent us this photo, with the subject line "but can he pull it off with a shirt ON?"

Denim shorts. Not even Beckham.
MENS - consider this an informal training.

I'm Also Thankful For Google Images

Caption it!


Now is the time to Leave Britney Alone, and to remember what we're thankful for.

Sorry. I Googled "Thankful" and that photo came up first.

"Thankful" is also the title of one of Kelly Clarkson's albums, which appeared in the "images" search, but I preferred the Little Girl & Bluebird photo - it is so much more my personality.

SO, let's be THANKFUL, shall we?

I am THANKFUL for:
  • A clear, non-rainy night, when I decided to walk 20 minutes to the wrong bar to meet up with my friends. (and then 20 minutes home to get my car to drive to the right bar).
  • The margarita Hi Five bought me, when I finally arrived at the right bar.
  • No hangover. From the one margarita. Don't laugh - it has happened.
  • Free lunch today - courtesy of the boss (not The Boss, just the boss)
  • Clear, non-rainy weather for the upcoming Seattle-Portland drive (please please please)
  • Magic Thanksgiving turkey that somehow burns calories while being consumed (please please please?)
  • Dedicated blog readers who won't mind if I post a photo of a turkey, tomorrow, and call it "writing"


Tuesday, November 20, 2007

The Most Shocking Bachelor Season Finale - Ever

And it was!

Who knew the producers would let him get away with choosing no one? They must have realized that the suspense of "which one will he choose" has kind of played itself out over the past eleven seasons. That's right. I said eleven.

What totally irks me is that there have only been like 3 "Bachelorette" shows, which were MUCH more fun to watch. The guys seemed to really enjoy competing for the Bachelorette, as opposed to the women who just cry a lot, and make painfully obvious declarations like "I do NOT like the idea of him dating other women!" Um...have you not seen the other 10 seasons of this? When you were filling out your application, were you thinking "Maybe THIS time, they'll do something just have ONE woman dating the Bachelor...and that ONE woman will be ME!"

I was quite pleased with the outcome; aside from feeling very bad for both rejected women, who, I'm sorry, are 25 and 27 respectively, and are gorgeous and have PLENTY more dating to do. But I am now horribly curious as to what he is going to say to Deanna and Jenni, and feel compelled to watch tonight's "After The Final Rose" follow up show, and am far too busy to justify doing this.

Mom, can you please tape it and I'll watch it this weekend?

Monday, November 19, 2007

Why Her Pick On Tommy Cruise?

I know. I've been a bit harsh with Jerry McGuire lately. So, in the spirit of Holiday...Spirit? Whatever, here are things I like about Tom Cruise:

1) Risky Business -

It's suburban Chicago (holla), and high school, and hookers (?) and driving your dad's car into Lake Michigan.

Come to think of it, Lake Michigan would have been the best place for MY dad's car.

2) The Outsiders

He most definitely was NOT Jerry McGuire in this one, and much ado was made about his chipped tooth being real, and how un-self-conscious he was, etc.

And then he got braces in 2002, and there were rumors of liposuction, and ab-sculpting...


3) The movie where he played an elf or something

That was all magical fantasy stuff, with unicorns and gnomes, which was the polar opposite of:

4) Top Gun

But I liked Iceman best.

Until he made "At First Sight".

Why her pick on Val Kilmer?


File Under: Are You Kidding Me?

From the Australian publication, Herald Sun; interjected with my thoughtful, articulate and succinct comments:

"TOM Cruise is set to play Hugh Hefner in a new biopic of the Playboy founder’s life, and hopes that it will confound all those who doubt his acting ability..."


"...The 45-year-old actor, who has an 18-month-old daughter Suri with his actress wife Katie Holmes, is hot favourite..."


" portray the 81-year-old lothario in upcoming movie Playboy and is reportedly excited about the prospect of bringing Hefner’s “colourful life” to the big screen.
A source close to the actor said: 'Tom knows of Hugh’s colourful past and thinks he would be the perfect person to bring it to the big screen'..."


“'He also thinks the role would be a challenge for him, and would remind people of his versatility as an actor..."

Can you hear me hyperventilating here?

"... At the moment people are concentrating on his personal life, and his marriage to Katie - but he wants to remind them that he can act too.”

Well, there's the part where we know he is acting.

So, be on the lookout for "Jerry McGuire Divorces Renee Zellweger, and Moves Into Playboy Mansion".
Or "Jerry McGuire Shoplifts Multiple Pooties".
Or "Jerry McGuire's Manhood - Stronger Than Oak". Or...(you chime in here)


Sunday was very clearly listening to my request, and yesterday was filled with:


And then, coincidentally,

which I was almost 100% certain I would not be watching. What do you know? I was wrong.

I absolutely adore her clothes in the movie. (No. Not the white & blue Sunset Blvd ensemble. The other stuff. Like that black cha-cha dress with the long necklace.)

I still cringe when she says "cop a squat" - yeesh - and when she is in the white robe, eating at the breakfast table, I still love to point out (to no one in particular) that she was eating a croissant, which then magically became a pancake.

Now I'm just craving carbs.

Sunday, November 18, 2007

Dear Sunday

Please last a REALLY REALLY REALLY long time, and be kind of crappy and rainy, so I have a good excuse to stay inside and watch movies in front of the fireplace.

Saturday, November 17, 2007

Wha Happon To Saturday???

Where'd it go? Whaaa?

Last night was a blur...

Saturday morning? Don't think I saw that...

Friday, November 16, 2007

Move, Please, You're Blocking The Funny

Alternate Title: An Ode-i to Jodi

I have filed Jodi Brothers under "Things I Love". Jodi is one of the morning DJ hosts of 103.7 KMTT here in Seattle.

And I love her. Seriously. I used to listen to a different station, which I will not name, and they had this woman on the air whom I would file under "Chicks". I'm doing a lot of filing today - please note this on my timecard.

Coming from me, "Chick" is not a compliment. "Chicks" embody all of the unfortunate qualities, which are sometimes attributed to females (cattiness, unfriendliness toward other females, mis-directed insecurity, etc.)

If you hear me saying "Ugh, she is a TOTAL Chick", you are free to deduce that I am not fond of that person.

Jodi Brothers is the opposite of a Chick, and quite frankly I don't know what the exact opposite would be (we have confirmed that I am not good with opposites), but it's probably something good. Like a pony.

You know how sometimes, when listening to a morning radio show, you're like "Sheesh, I wish they would shut up and play some music"? On KMTT I wish they would never play music, and just let Jodi talk the whole time. She's hilarious and has the best laugh ever, and right now it is starting to sound like I have a total Girl-Crush on her, and that is okay.

Anyway, KMTT did a very funny segment on Thursday which focused on Jodi. I decided to indulge my inner-stalker and send her an email and tell her how funny I thought she was, and blah blah.

She actually responded to the email (which is awesome in and of itself), and said it was just what she had needed that morning, as she had "gotten killed" by other listeners. She wasn't specific, but I'm guessing it was some hyper-sensitive Seattle people voicing their offense at some of the comments she made (which, by the way, were totally unoffensive to normal people - she said that her "hero" was Janeane Garofolo, and that the one non-living thing she would save from her house, if it were on fire, would be her handbag. That is just funny. And practical.)

Jodi then went on to say that she has received some hate mail in the past, and one person actually wrote a letter and sent it, anonymously of course (coward), to the station, and it said something about how the sender felt sorry for Jodi's husband, as he had to live with her.

I'm sorry, but what is that? If there was one person I thought would be universally loved, it is Jodi Brothers. And if you don't think she's funny, you may want to see your physician about medicating your problem.

Overly sensitive people, who were not born with, or have misplaced, or have purposefully hidden their sense of humor, should just keep their negative opinions to themselves. Go focus on something you DO like. Like math homework, or Brussels sprouts, or doing your taxes. You can never have too much funny in this world, and I need to have complete and direct access to it, as often as possible.

Don't block the funny.

Thursday, November 15, 2007

In Search Of...

When you blog, it is helpful to know whether or not people are reading what you're cooking. Or something like that. Everyone knows I don't cook.

SiteMeter monitors visits to the blog, and gives you fun graph-charty things, and also tells you the locations the visits are coming from, as well as the whereabouts of Matt Lauer and that perpetually-elusive Waldo.

You can see who came to your blog via referral, and if it was a Google search you can click on the link and see what that particular individual was in search of.

You think you're stalking me? You're not stalking me. I'm stalking you. There is also a webcam feature, and I can see you right now. That's right. You, sitting there in your Cookie Monster footy pajamas, wearing your headgear, and calling yourself Thor-the-Magnificent. And these are some of the things you were looking for, and why Google thought my blog was somehow related to that:

"slutty vietnamese" - I am proud to say, my blog comes up first in that search. It is possible that I do not actually mean "proud"...

"different kinds of porn" (OH, must have been such a disappointment to the searchers - so sorry)

And endless searches for "Kim Kardashian plastic surgery"

I am just here to provide useful information for the masses. And you're welcome!

We Got No Problem With Lady Issues

Pistols totally made me laugh really hard with his insightful boy-thoughts on the monthly woes of the fairer sex (that's right. us. we is fair).

He was all:
"I don't understand why women think we flee for the hills whenever PMS or any lady issues get brought up. Plus, it's not like we're listening to you most of the time anyway.That joke ought to go over well today..."

And so I was all:
"Fine, fine, you're both tough AND enlightened. Now go buy me some tampons."

And then HE was all:
"Again, why the problems with buying tampons? It means there's a woman in your house/that you're dating. It's kind of like buying condoms that way."

This reminded me of a care package I received from home, while teaching English in Seoul, South Korea. My dad had mailed it, and on the green customs form, taped to the front of the package, in his big block lettering it said:


I could just picture him at the post office (one of his favorite Saturday errands to run), with his fountain pen, poised in the air, eyebrows arched high with glee.

I died laughing when I got the package.

It's nice that he was able to cope with a largely testosterone-free household, having three daughters, and a menagerie of female pets.

Now he just sits in the corner with his knees pulled up to his chin. Rocking back and forth, and shuddering.

People's Sexiest Man Alive - Matt Damon

If you had any doubts that Hollywood really IS just like high school, Matt Damon was just voted Sexiest Man Alive by People magazine.

I'm not saying he's not a sexy dude. I have rewound that scene in "Bourne Identity", where a shirtless Matt and the "Run Lola Run" girl totally make out, more times than I'm willing to admit (around 46).

What I AM saying, is that I've just seen too many of those interviews with George Clooney and Brad Pitt where they're chuckling, and jocularly punching each other in the arm, and loudly campaigning, on Matt's behalf, for the "award".

I also saw them crouched in a broom closet on the 30th floor of the Time, Inc. building stuffing what looked like a ballot box, and then rushing off before anyone else noticed.

Don't try to tell me this stuff isn't completely rigged. If Casey Affleck wins Prom King, everyone is going to owe me a big apology.

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Dear Luke Wilson

I know it seems like I've been preoccupied with Cameron Mathison, I know. What with my posting all the photos of him glistening or flexing or dancey-posing, or giving me that look that says "You're adorable, and I'd love to take you shoe-shopping":

But Cameron was just voted off of "Dancing With the Stars", and Netflix is sending "The Wendell Baker Story" tomorrow, so I'll be all prepared to renew my crush on you. Don't worry.

All good pretend relationships need a little space now and then.

PMS is Funny

I'm sititng here, snickering at the thought of the reactions of the boys who browse today's post, and how they will no doubt be steering VERY clear of the content, as well as the "Comments" link.

Except, maybe Landis. Nothing scares him. Except bad fashion choices.

Guess What Time It Is!

PMS symptoms

mood swings - CHECK





confusion or fuzzy thinking - I'M PMS-ING, NOT SENILE


fatigue - NO

insomnia - ZZZZZZZZZZZ

changes in libido - HAHAHAHAHAHAHA


cravings, especially for salty or sweet foods - ONLY IF YOU'RE TAKING MY ORDER



hives - REALLY? HIVES?

abdominal and pelvic cramps


weight gain - IF YOU SAY ONE WORD

headaches - NO


breast swelling and pain - HAHAHAHAHAHA, OUCH

edema (visible swelling, particularly in the hands, feet and legs) - NO, AND NO COMMENTS ABOUT VISIBLE SWELLING IN MY ARSE

dizziness, decreased balance - I TOLD YOU, I'M VERY TOLERANT OF ALCOHOL

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Tell Me Something I Don't Know

MSNBC's Technology & Science section (something I typically treat like vegetables, and ignore) features this story:

Prehistoric women had passion for fashion.

Thank you!

"The unnamed tribe who lived between 5400 and 4700 BC in the 120-hectare site at what is now Plocnik knew about trade, handcrafts, art and metallurgy. Near the settlement, a thermal well might be evidence of Europe's oldest spa.
'They pursued beauty and produced 60 different forms of wonderful pottery and figurines, not only to represent deities, but also out of pure enjoyment,' said archaeologist Julka Kuzmanovic-Cvetkovic."

When I hear some frizzy-haired, unshowered "natural" type, reeking of patchouli and yammering on and on about how shallow and superficial it is to focus on your looks, I can't help but roll my eyes. Just because you are trying to save yourself an hour's worth of prep time every morning, doesn't make everyone else shallow and superficial. It just makes you kind of lazy. Women have been wearing makeup, jewelry and fun shoes for ages. AGES I say!

Fashion and "looks" are one of many ways to define a culture, as well as to just enjoy life. It's been proven (by studies I am too lazy to look up - I had to shower and put makeup on this morning and that usurped all my energy) that people enjoy beautiful things: art, nature, music...and Cameron Mathison from "Dancing With The Stars"; he was wearing some whisper-thin pants last night...and seems to have forgotten how to properly wear his shirt in this photo...

I completely forgot what I was talking about.