Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Letter To Red States (now a moot point, but still funny)

(thanks to Ellers for fwding this)

Dear Red States:

If you manage to steal this election too we've decided we're leaving. We intend to form our own country, and we're taking the other Blue States with us. In case you aren't aware, that includes California , Hawaii , Oregon , Washington , Minnesota , Wisconsin , Michigan , Illinois, and all the Northeast. We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, and especially to the people of the new country of New California.

To sum up briefly: You get Texas , Oklahoma and the slave states. We get stem cell research and the best beaches. We get the Statue of Liberty. You get Dollywood

We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom.

We get 85% of America 's venture capital and entrepreneurs. You get Alabama .

We get two-thirds of the tax revenue, you get to make the red states pay their fair share.

Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22% lower than the Christian Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a bunch of single moms.

Please be aware that Nuevo California will be pro-choice and anti-war, and we're going to want all our citizens back from Iraq at once.

With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80% of the country's fresh water, more than 90% of the pineapple and lettuce, 92% of the nation's fresh fruit, 95% of America 's quality wines, 90% of all cheese, 90% of the high tech industry, 95% of the corn and soybeans (thanks Iowa!), most of the U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools plus Stanford, the UC and UW systems, Cal Tech and MIT.

With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to cope with 88% of all obese Americans (and their projected health care costs), 92% of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100% of the tornadoes, 90% of the hurricanes, 99% of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100% of all televangelists, and Rush Limbaugh.

We get Hollywood and Yosemite , thank you.

Additionally, we hope you realize that 38% of your population believes Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 62% believe life is sacred unless we're discussing the war, the death penalty or gun laws, 44% say that evolution is only a theory, 53% that Saddam was involved in 9/11.

Finally, we're taking the good pot, too. You can have that dirt weed they grow in Mexico

Peace out,

--Blue States

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Travel typically expands your mind

The United States has had the pleasure of hosting Michelangelo's David for the past 2 years:


He will now be returning to Italy...

Don't forget to watch "The Biggest Loser" tonight, NBC, 8/7 Central.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Obama's Inbox

So many thanks to Keens for sending this. HIGH larious.

http://www.theonion.com/content/news_in_photos/inside_obamas_emails


The Tim Robbins one is my favorite. Scattergories. Awesome.



Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Yearbook Yourself

Several of us are preparing for our high school reunions this year. One of us has a lot of free time on her hands, and found the site YearbookYourself. She then created a mini-yearbook of sorts, of all of her friends. I can't stop laughing.


Sunday, August 17, 2008

Is It Too Early...

...or too pathetic to be getting excited for Fall TV?


Who cares.

I'm eagerly awaiting:

The Office

Biggest Loser (Families)

Samantha Who?

30 Rock

I'm also still waiting for an explanation as to what happened to Just Shoot Me and Jack & Jill.

Sunday, August 10, 2008

Messages From The Wise Universe

Parental Discretion Advised: this post not suitable for Mom and Dad. Seriously - you should both just skip this one.

Sometimes it's best not to be all smug and self-satisfied because you're taking a load of clothes to the consignment shop, and you're definitely going to make money, and not spend money, because your birthday month was July and now it's August, and there should be more saving/making and less spending, and that's what you're all about: the SAVING/MAKING, which is why you're taking the load of clothes to the consignment shop, and feeling pretty smug and self-satisfied.


Because if you're feeling all smug and self-satisfied, and you brag to your mom about how you have been REALLY good about not buying shoes lately, and you tell her how you're going to go take a load of clothes to the consignment shop, the Universe interprets this as an invitation to display a practically-new pair of Manolo Blahniks, MAYBE worn one time, in your size, on the table at the consignment shop, and mark them "$80".


The Universe then reminds you that fall is almost here, and you could use some good closed-toed pumps, and then points out that the tweed in these Manolo Blahniks includes nearly every color possible (although you can't tell from the photo), and you would be able to wear them with everything.

That's what happens when you're all smug and self-satisfied.

Thursday, August 7, 2008

UPS Mechanics Are Funny

Thanks to Ellers for sending this!

"After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet,'
which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics
Correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then
Pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are
Some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots (marked with
a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance
Engineers
."

By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an
Accident.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.

S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.



P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.

S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.



P: Something loose in cockpit.

S: Something tightened in cockpit



P: Dead bugs on windshield.

S: Live bugs on back-order.



P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute
Descent.

S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.



P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

S: Evidence removed.



P: DME volume unbelievably loud.

S: DME volume set to more believable level.



P: Friction locks causes throttle levers to stick.

S: That's what friction locks are for.



P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.

S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.



P: Suspected crack in windshield.

S: Suspect you're right.


P: Number 3 engine missing.

S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.



P: Aircraft handles funny.

S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.



P: Target radar hums.

S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.



P: Mouse in cockpit.

S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last.................


P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
Pounding on something with a hammer.

S: Took hammer away from midget.

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Why Can't We Be More Scandinavian?


Copenhagen Fashion Week kicks off today, and "...the Danes are using {these} to raise money to fight eating disorders. The shirts...were designed by Klaus Sams√łe & e-types. May Andersen and Oliver Bjerrehuus are featured in the accompanying campaign, which grew out of the Ethical Charter to protect Danish models that was established last year."

Those Danish models do need protecting, but mainly just from Flavor Flav.


Yikes.

Monday, August 4, 2008

J'Adore Indeed!

As far as I know, John Galliano is responsible for this. I both love, and hate him, for it.



When did Dior stop being all conservative and kitten-heel tweedy, and start being WHAT I MUST OWN?

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Dear Simon Doonan

PLEASE no. What is happening at Barney's? This email arrived in my inbox. From Barney's.


I love Barneys, but if this is the "future"...and when I say "this" I mean stupid rapper t-shirts masquerading as fashion?

NUH-UNH!

Monday, July 28, 2008

Makes Me Laugh Out Loud

Birthday Month Comes To An End

It was absolutely not my intention to turn Birthday Week into Birthday Month, but whatever. It was fun! A little recap, yes?

I was taken to dinner here:


And lunch here:


And then all my girls took me in a big van to the wineries:


And then there were the shoes:


And then I was gifted tickets to Lyle Lovett & his Large Band, with Shawn Colvin here.

So, there was a lot of wine, a lot of cake, and a lot of shoes. Meaning, next month will not be Birthday Month, but rather Fat-Flush-Detox-Shopping-Embargo Month.

Not quite as fun as Birthday Month.



Friday, July 25, 2008

You Know...


Somedays, you wake up refreshed and excited about the day!

And other days, your cat poops on your comforter.

Hope you're all having the FIRST kind of day.

Thursday, July 17, 2008

File Under "Are You Effing Kidding Me?!"

One of my favorite Bliends, I Heart Fashion, just had me gobsmacked when I read her post about her Marshall's coups.

It is now my sole mission in life to go live near I Heart Fashion, and shop at the Marshall's in her neighborhood. If for nothing else but finding something like this Proenza Schouler top:


At Marshall's for crying out loud!

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Michael Bay Is Awesome

Alternate title: Four words I never thought I'd say.


Michael Bay - you know, the director who does all the monstrous explosion movies, with overly dramatic musical scores? Well, he directed "Transformers", and is going to be directing "Transformers 2 - more transforming" (probably not the actual title), and has asked Megan Fox to gain weight for her role. Word on the street is that he doesn't like skinny girls. No offense to skinny girls, but that rocks. I'm going to have a sandwich.

Wednesday, July 9, 2008

Would you wear this?

Oh that cute Kate Hudson is just suffering through an endless tabloid crush of attention. People can't seem to get enough of her rumored romances, and love seeing her photographed with her most recent date (Lance Armstrong), while wearing a stream of bohemian-chic ensembles.

Continued...

Monday, July 7, 2008

It's My Birthday Week! Birthday Week!

Yep, when you get older, you need a full week to celebrate. And celebrate I IS!

Happy Birthday to me:


Happy Birthday to me:


Happy BIRTHDAY dear Gretta:


Happy Birthday to me:


Dang that girl is self-indulgent on her birthday. What is she doing to "give back"?!

I'm so glad you asked, and by the way all of the shoes were SUPER on sale. I mean REALLY marked down. And the hat was a gift.

*I just signed up for a monthly donation to the ASPCA. Damn that Sarah McLachlan and those unbearably gut-wrenching commercials!

*I will be lopping off 10 inches of hair on Wednesday to donate to Locks of Love (third time! It's a three-peat!)

HOORAY FOR BIRTHDAY WEEK!

Thursday, July 3, 2008

You Deserve A Spanking


We definitely needed another holiday to put on the calendar, so one of the "leading adult entertainment companies in the world" created Naughty America Day, which is today.

My idea of being naughty would be buying shoes I can't afford.



Do something naughty today!

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

White-Out, Black-In

Vogue Italia is answering the perpetually controversial model "white-out" issue with a bold exclamation point, and publishing the first ever All-Black Vogue issue (July 2008):


This is fantastic, and I must have a copy! American Vogue, hike up your Diane von Furstenberg Henry High-Waisted Skirt and get in the game.

Voting on Kim Kardashian

Exercise your right to vote. On nonsense.

Click HERE!

Monday, June 30, 2008

I'm Going Political

I normally steer clear of discussing politics (or posting about politics), but this got my dander all up and stuff.

Kevin (who loves the political) posted this about Cindy McCain's tax evasion. I loved the photo he cooked up:


and then I was so shocked by the story, that I had to go read the entire thing, plus comments, on Newsweek's website. What I found most appalling was that the story wasn't even written under "Politics", but rather under the far more benign "Real Estate" section.

Cindy McCain would never go to Austin, TX. Ever.

You Catch Like A Girl

Friday, June 27, 2008

Friday Is For FASHION

Lookit what I've DONE:

Fashion Gretta

I've created an entire forum for my dress-up/paper dolls/wardrobe madness obsession.

Friday, June 20, 2008

Mary Kate, Is That You?

Thank God for common sense.

A post from Janet Charlton's Hollywood featured this photo of Kristen Johnston (from "3rd Rock From the Sun", and she was the socialite who fell out of a high-rise window in a "Sex & the City" episode), with comments that sounded like she thought Kristen looked good:


Kristen does not look good. And thankfully, out of the 36 comments, 35 people agreed with me. PHEW! She needs a sandwich, and possibly a drug intervention, and I would have been horrified if people were complimenting her new "look".

Girl, you looked good before! Get back there!

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Hooray for Leo-the-Pitbull!

Love it love it love it LOVE IT! Lookatthesweetbaby! Whosagooddog!


"Leo — rescued from heavy chains that confined him as one of the pit bulls in former NFL quarterback Michael Vick’s dogfighting ring — is a lover, not a fighter. He now happily frolics in a clown collar as he makes the rounds at the Camino Infusion Center, where he brings comfort to cancer patients undergoing chemotherapy." (continued)

This story made me happy-cry. Thanks to mom for sending the link.

Those Silly Germans


We've learned from past experience that Germans do not mess around. They pride themselves on many things, one being stalwart efficiency (see BMWs everywhere). There must be tremendous pressure from ones' countrypeople to keep up the perpetual modicum of uber-efficiency. So much so that it would behoove one to phone in an airplane bomb threat, rather than just admit punctuality-defeat.

Seriously. Phoned in a bomb threat, hoping to delay his flight.

In today's climate, this seems to be an overly unwise decision, and the penalty will undoubtedly be severe. Schadenfreude is perfectly acceptable in this situation. Get organized, and get there on time, or sit back with a beer and wait for the next flight. Sheesh.

Thursday, June 12, 2008

Another Reason To Love George Clooney

Word on the street is that Clooney and now-former girlfriend, Sarah Larson, fought over breast implants.

She wanted them; he didn't want her to get them.


George! Call me!

Monday, June 9, 2008

I've Got Male!

Check out the awesome postcard WhiskeyMarie sent me:

I could make some awful double entendre about stuffing your mailbox, but I won't. You're welcome.

Thanks WM! Beefcake DOES make everything better!

Friday, June 6, 2008

Anonymous, Please Send Money


Since I have only been sporadically posting on the blog, I figure the only people reading it are family & friends (this includes blog-friends). So any time I get an anonymous comment, I assume it's NancyJane, trying to comment via her BlackBerry (which she hasn't mastered yet), or my dad, who still likes to explain how the television works when I go visit them. "Now this larger button here, that says 'Power'? That will turn the TV on and off."

So, on my post about my wanting a Trader Joe's in Austin, Texas, there was a comment from Anonymous that said:

"Really rich girls never go to Austin, Texas, ever."

I had to read it a few times.

"Really rich girls never go to Austin, Texas, ever."


NancyJane is that you? Dad? You? I have no idea what that means!

I can't imagine that it's someone who knows me, for obvious reasons. So I'm guessing!

1) Maybe Anonymous thinks that, since I like expensive shoes, I'm really rich? (Please send money to help this become a reality).

Gretta Berg
2212 Queen Anne Ave N #701
Seattle, WA 98109
(this is my mailbox, not where I live. It's also a great boutique where you can shop!)

2) Or, maybe Anonymous is really rich, and she's saying that she will not come visit me, once I move to Austin? (Anonymous, if you are really rich, my birthday is July 12 and I would LOVE that pair of Burberry shoes - Size 38 - they are on sale at the Rack! WendyB says the sale price is good!)

It totally made me laugh, but laugh in that kind of perplexed way where your eyebrows are raised, and you're laughing because you have no idea what is going on. You know - with your shoulders shrugging, and hands palms-up like you're serving snacks.

Thursday, June 5, 2008

Dear Trader Joe's


Trader Joe's. I love you. I've loved you for years. I'm slightly traumatized at the idea of moving to Austin, Texas, where there is no you.

People, please help a lovesick sister.

Ask Trader Joe's to add a location in Austin.

Click HERE and select "Location Requests". They'll ask you for some information, and you must add "Austin, Texas", but remember it's for SUCH A GOOD CAUSE!

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

I'll Give You A Cold Front

The weather in Seattle for the past few days has been dreary and rainy with a "high" of 62.

Last night, the weatherman said "And look out, we've got a cold front coming in - find out how that will affect you!" Or something like that.

So, wait a minute. The cold front is "coming in"? Like 62 degrees in June isn't cold enough?

Sunday, June 1, 2008

SAW IT! LOVED IT!


Dang, is she still yammering on about the "Sex & the City" movie?

Yes, she is.

We had a giant dress-up To-Do yesterday, with champagne and heels and everything, and the movie does not disappoint. What also does not disappoint is the collective wardrobe. It got a bit silly when the girls were all wearing heels with their bathing suits, but whatever - it's fantasy and it's fun. And if I can sit around my living room in sweats and Ferragamo pumps, why can't the girls wear heels to sunbathe?


Carrie wears a certain belt with many outfits throughout the movie, and that belt just so happens to match these shoes:


Which I tried on at Nordstrom Rack last week, and DID NOT BUY (applause here, please). Did not buy them because even at the Rack they were still $399. Hallo? Originally $947. Good grief Charlie Brown.

I'll just vicariously shop with the Sex & the City girls.

Friday, May 30, 2008

The Big Day


And I need to be verrrrry careful about not reading anything online. No spoilers!

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Open Letter to Anyone

Is anyone reading this?

http://www.holidaygolightly.com/blog

If "no" - then pleass essplain why not. What? It is too available? It doesn't give you your "space"? It gives you ultimatums? What?

It's too serious? Too informative? Too focused on the election? What?

I be posting EVERY day. EVERY DAMNED DAY.

Set it as your home page.

Mark it as a "Favorite".

Tell everyone you know that bad things will happen to them if they don't visit the site once a day.

Holiday Golightly should make you happy.

I write, so that you are happy.

Something that might not make you happy?


That's right. If you don't pay little Holiday Golightly a visit, Paris Hilton will be cast in the remake of "Breakfast at Tiffany's". Do you want that on your conscience?