Friday, January 11, 2008

Liz Jones - writer, hater, ex-wife of player

In honor of our girl Kimmy, who recently relocated to the United Kingdom, I would like to direct your attention to a British tabloid columnist, by the name of Liz Jones.

Liz has made some outrageously unflattering comments about American girls.

I am prone to making gross generalizations, but Liz Jones makes my rantings sound like specifically categorized Gallup polls.

Here she goes, and here I go, interrupting her sweeping criticisms with my always-useful opinions (in bold, of course - I'm American):

"I admit I have a bit of an anti-thing going on with American girls. Basically, I hate them..."

She hates, roughly, 150 million people. That is, kind of, a lot.

"...This is not helped by the fact my former husband had a rather lengthy affair with one..."

So, yes, directing the hate at 150 million women, and not your former husband, makes perfect sense.

"... the dreaded Daphne, who lived in Brooklyn in what was probably a 3sqft bedsit, spent a lot of money on pedicures (I know this because I intercepted his texts to her, in praise of her toes), was incredibly self-obsessed (oh dear God, the e-mails about how she wanted to work for a non-profit organisation stretched to five pages), not funny at all, and obviously in possession of a very loose set of morals..."

Compared to your former husband, who was clearly a bastion of integrity.

"...One drawling voicemail from her to my husband went: 'Hi, how are yeeeewwww. I really want to talk to you about the off-Broadway play I saw on Friday' (I mean, honestly, how contrived!).
Yes, OK, American girls are well groomed, and take intense care in their appearance, unashamed to tell whoever will listen how much their personal ashtanga yoga guru charges them when he arrives on their doorstep at 5am.
But unlike quirky, cool British girls...

...U.S. ones have no real style when it comes to fashion, merely putting on whatever American Vogue tells them to.
They (and I am talking mostly here about women who work in the fashion and media worlds, and who live in LA or New York)..."

Okay, so NOW she's making some distinctions.

"...are also incredibly, earth-shatteringly, want-to-eat-your-own-arm-when-they-are-talking-to-you boring.
We shouldn't be fooled by Carrie Bradshaw and her ilk - they have scripts..."

Scripts written by American girls.

"...When you have the misfortune to meet one, they will give you a glassy, unfocused stare...

(Ed. note: Amy Winehouse. British.)

... like that of a shark, swiftly followed by the mantra: 'Hi, how are yeeewww?' (as if they care, unless you are A) male; and B) own a yacht)..."

Would you like some bitters with your bitter?

"...American women are also mindbogglingly stupid..."

Seriously - 150 million is, kind of, a lot.

"...Rare is the New York female high-flier who A) knows how to dial Britain; and B) can ever work out that they might just be ringing in the middle of your night..."

That bitter has a lingering taste, doesn't it.

"...They all have several masters degrees, which makes me think the American version must be multiple choice..."

I love multiple choice.

"...are fearsomely ambitious, despite having absolutely zero talent (have you read the super-sycophantic dribblings in New York Magazine? Ohmigod!), and obsessed with staying young and marrying rich.
Why any man would prefer one of these honey-skinned, difficult, vacant, blow-dried-daily divas to a lovely, super-intelligent, witty, self-deprecating British girl (OK, me) is beyond belief."

Did I miss the part where she was self-deprecating? I just heard the American girl-deprecating parts.

That last sentence reminded me: I really need to find a good straightening iron that will work with the 220 voltage in England. Unless I can find a salon there, where I can be blow-dried daily.