Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Friday, February 22, 2008

MOMMY!


Also, don't forget to visit Holiday Golightly today - there's an extra present for you there.

Thursday, February 21, 2008

Polyvore - Intervention Needed

I can't stop...









And you know what? Random people can comment on the outfits you put together. I was all "WHAAA??? I thought this was just me, playing grown-up paper dolls!"

You have to enter a title for each outfit, which I didn't give much thought to, and for the purple & gray dress combo (in previous post) I just put "Date". Someone who calls herself "cuteoverload" (ahem) was all "maybe a bit drab for a date?...but taht (sic) bag is beautiful".

Fashion is entirely subjective, and no, I don't think it was a bit drab for a date. But her comment immediately made me wonder what cuteoverload might deem date-appropriate, and I have a feeling it might involve a plunging neckline and lucite platforms.

But, again, fashion is ENTIRELY subjective.

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

A Moment of Silence Please

In memoriam of my free time.

This is the exact opposite of what I need right now. What do I need? More time! What does this do? Usurps the free time!

But look what I just made over at my Favorite New Website:







Polyvore will be responsible for my descent into utter-reclusiveness.

Monday, February 18, 2008

Fernando - Not a Shredder

SKI TRIP! Fernando had never skied before, and wanted to try a half-day at Canyons, near Park City.

We couldn't find skis to fit him, though, so he stayed in my pocket the entire time.




We then drove to the Sundance resort, where we stayed at a gorgeous "mountain home", which - as we discovered later - had belonged to Robert Redford and his first wife, Lola.


Fernando stood outside the house - awed. His favorite movie was "The Pig Whisperer". I tried to explain to him that he may have been mistaken about that title, but he wouldn't hear it.


Once we settled in, he proceeded to get into the wine.



There was a lot of snow outside, and he offered to shovel the deck, but he was really just too drunk.


Our group then went to dinner at the lovely Tree Room, for Kerry's brother Ted's birthday. Fernando, was sidetracked by the Sundance wine selection.

He passed out during dinner, but then was, coincidentally, wide awake when the profiteroles were presented.


Fernando remembered his manners, and took this lovely group photo of Ted-the-birthday-boy, and all his ladies.


Our mountain lodge had some interesting inhabitants, and Fernando - ever the inquisitive traveler, made some new and exotic friends:



When we skied Sundance the next day, Fernando was determined to join us. But he took one look at the mountains and decided to just sit with some schnapps, until we finished.



Fernando was so taken with our gracious hostess, Terry...


...that there may be a trip to Boston in his future...

Friday, February 15, 2008

Where in the World is Fernando?

Totally Un-Valentiney


As much as I hate to admit this - this story is completely hilarious and makes total sense. I have no idea who wrote it, but it was a guy:


One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'


I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!


'So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'


She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'


Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.


The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all.


She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'


We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.


I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.'


She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier.'


I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'


Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'


I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.' And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'


Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....

Thursday, February 14, 2008

Happy Valentine's Day! (profanity alert)

Unlike Jane Fonda on the Today show, this morning, I will forewarn you about the profanity.

(Ed. Note: Jane Fonda's Awesome Quotient has risen exponentially due to Today appearance. That is just funny shit).

I was just going to post a few photos of pretty, red shoes, but then Card sent me this Valentine:



A little aggro, but also a little funny.

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Pretty Pictures

I haven't had much time to post lately, but YIKES I really need to get some pretty photos here. Every time I come to the blog, I keep seeing that Pat Benatar t-shirt photo, and Violent Femmes album cover, and I'm back in High School all over again.

So: Fashion Week wrapped up last week.

Thank you, Armani Prive.

Tomorrow is Valentine's Day

Cupid, use the soft arrows, please.

And Fernando and I are off to do some schussing (on the slopes), and shushing (of people using their outside voices, inside), in Park City this weekend.


Alert the authorities.

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Red Lights Turned Off?

I will be jaunting off to Amsterdam in a couple of weeks, and was recently directed to a story about a Giuliani-esque plan to "clean up" the city.

Basically, shutting down the Red Light District. Roxanne! Where will she go?

Or, more importantly, what the hell are Sally, Fernando and I supposed to do for money while we're there?

Monday, February 11, 2008

The Grammys - I Missed Them

But doesn't this look like it might have been fun?


Friday, February 8, 2008

Musically Inspired

Whiskeymarie wrote a brilliant trip-down-memory-lane post, about adolescent rock concerts.

And how she went to see Huey Lewis and the News.

When one reads something like that, the reaction is typically:

1) Hyperventilating laughter

2) Re-reading, to confirm it was Whiskeymarie, and she really meant Huey Lewis

3) Taking your own trip down memory lane. When memory lane is the main thoroughfare to all the concerts you attended.

I have previously explained that I am not edgy. This is nothing new. I was not edgy in Junior High, nor in High School. And edgy is usually somewhat equated with coolness, although you know how I hate math, so I'm not going to even try to figure that out.

Anyway, I wanted to reiterate that I am not/and never have been edgy, because my first concert will make me seem like I was both edgy and cool. I was not.

My freshman year of high school, Tracy Ferguson and I went to see the Violent Femmes perform at Harper College in Palatine, IL.

I know! The Violent Femmes! I was so edgy & cool! To convince you that I was actually not edgy or cool, I will tell you that I wore black & white paisley jeans, that bore a startling resemblance to these curtains:


The paisley jeans were paired with one of those oversized blazers. A blazer. At a Violent Femmes show - at a college campus, no less. Everyone else was wearing ripped up jeans, and dirty black t-shirts, and I was dancing around in my pointy little white Mia flats. The 80s were cruel to so many of us.

My most memorable moment of shame came two years later, the day after my best friend and I went to see Pat Benatar at the Rosemont Horizon. The show itself was awesome, and my friend and I were the lone teens in a sea of 30-somethings in the balcony. The 30-somethings wanted to remain seated throughout the show, and we wanted to jump around and dance. Hit us with your best shots, 30-somethings! You're OLD!

I think the 30-somethings eventually shamed us into our seats. Hmph. Old people.

Anyway, I made the rookie mistake of wearing the evidence of the concert to school the next day.
Come ON! It was a Pat Benatar concert! On a Monday night! I was cool! Or I was at least temporarily cool until Rob Humphries, who actually was cool, took one look at me, then at my royal blue t-shirt:


and said "So. You see Pat Benatar last night?" with a smirk.
Whether it was mocking the "day after the concert" wearing of the shirt, or mocking Pat Benatar, I'm not sure. But there was definite mocking, and I thought "Crap. I should've worn the Violent Femmes shirt".

Fernando Does Austin - Part III

Sunny and 70! Fernando thought a little minibus tour sounded like a good way for us to get our bearings on Saturday, since we weren't planning to rent a car. I will admit, I wasn't even trying to get a good photo here - I was still sleepy and had a little headache. But Fernando is sitting up on the seat, so he can nuzzle my mom's ear. I think he may still have been a little drunk from the night before. It was just the three of us, and our somewhat absent-minded, but very cheerful, fun tour guide/driver, Maggie.


The tour lasted 90 minutes, and drove us all over Austin, giving us a little historical background that I paid no attention to. It was just so sunny!

Then, after the tour, it was lunchtime. We tried to go to Sandra Bullock's restaurant, Bess Bistro, but it was closed. SANDY! WHERE'S THE LOVE! FERNANDO NEEDS A SANDWICH!

So we went to Lambert's instead:


I love love love Lambert's. The building reminds me of an old-timey, Western bank building (which actually might be what it is...), and the plank wooden floors had a saloon feel to them.

And the Frito pie had a my-ass-probably-doesn't-need-this feel to it...


Fernando seemed puzzled by this dish, and I tried to hide that it was pulled-pork Frito pie.

After lunch, it was shoppy time. Not to be confused with Hammer time. There were no giant pants purchased. But I did spend way too much on a dress/smock-type thing at a boutique on 2nd St. After which, we took Fernando to try on cowboy boots:



They didn't have his size.

We did a lot of walking, although not as much as I would have liked. Mom prefers to ride public transportation - "It's only a dollar!" - so we took the bus down to South Congress and wandered around down there for a bit.

To quote Samantha Baker from "Sixteen Candles": I loathe the bus.

For dinner, we did fancy-fancy French (which La Belette Rouge will appreciate) at Aquarelle:



Fernando blended right in with the scenery on the menu, although he was improperly dressed. It was too warm for the hat & scarf, so he was just naked. Whatever - the French are much more relaxed about nudity anyway.

Mom and I were not naked, but rather sassily coordinated: Mom in her sweater & skirt ensemble, and me in my new Spent-too-much-but-really-love-it BCBG thing.

Is it a dress? Is it a smock? Who can say?

This photo is kind of awkward (does my purse need to sit down?), but you get the idea.

A good time was had by all in Austin. Don't mess with Texas.

(please stay tuned for Fernando's next Extravaganza! Skiing in Park City, UT with Kerry, Terri & Ted).

Thursday, February 7, 2008

I Heart Fashion Week

I have verrrry limited time, but am trying to peek at the Fashion Week craziness every chance I get.

No one does gowns like Oscar de la Renta. And here,


I imagine he has drawn inspiration from Pigpen, of the Peanuts Gang, with his ever-present cloud of dirt, swirling around his feet.




Three cheers for inspiration - HIP HIP, HOORAY!

Wednesday, February 6, 2008

Bad Domain Names

These are priceless, and come to you, courtesy of my old roommate, Ellie:

1. Who Represents is where you can find the name of the agent that represents any celebrity. Their Web site is www.whorepresents.com/

2. Experts Exchange is a knowledge base where programmers can exchange Advice and views at www.expertsexchange.com/ [they've added a well-placed hyphen now]

3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at www.penisland.net/

4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at www.therapistfinder.com/

5. There's the Italian Power Generator company, www.powergenitalia.com/

6. And don't forget the Mole Station Native Nursery in New South Wales,www.molestationnursery.com/ [they've clued in and changed "station" to"river"]

7. If you're looking for IP computer software, there's always www.ipanywhere.com/

8. The First Cumming Methodist Church Web site is www.cummingfirst.com/

9. And the designers at Speed of Art await you at their wacky Web site, www.speedofart.com/

John Mayer - Why, Georgia, Why?

We must take a break from the Austin Extravaganza! to offer up this displeasing display:


Dear John Mayer,

1 - Your Body Is Not A Wonderland

2 - This image makes me want to Scream At The Top Of My Lungs

3 - You really are Bigger Than Your Body, and that over-thong is not

And, completely unrelated to your lyrics, if I have to get bikini-waxed before donning a swimsuit, you should too.

Manscaping is relatively unheard of in Borat's hometown. You are from Fairfield, Connecticut.

Fernando Does Austin - Part II

This post will be a bit more a la Landis. More photos, less talkie. My mom likes that. Seriously, if she is not reading/commenting on your blog, it's because there aren't enough pictures.

This is what the Driskill Hotel looks like at night. With the flash off, on my camera - honestly.



Fernando wanted to get room service. He is constantly eating.

We were extremely pleased with the accommodations.


And I loved the whole Old Texas/cowboy vibe.


Mom and I did not want room service, so we muzzled Fernando and went here:


Fernando was fine, once he realized he could have a flight of wine with his snacks.


This was my kind-of-artistic photo from my seat at the bar:


Fernando was bombed, so my mom had to hold him up for the group photo:


And then we weaved our way through the streets, back to the hotel for some sleepy-time.

More tomorrow. What! It was a big weekend!

Tuesday, February 5, 2008

My Dad Is Fired

Okay, before we continue with the Austin Extravaganza! (always with an exclamation point) we must fire my father.

Why? You ask.

As my mom and I were boarding the Houston/Austin flight, I was lifting my new pretty Tumi bag into the overhead compartment, and a cute-ish, too-young guy was all "Can I help you with that?" right as the bag slid into place. So I was all "thanks - I got it".

And as I am sitting down, my mom says "You need to work on being more...helpless", and as I turn to her in disbelief, she continues "Your father said my mission, this weekend, is to find you a husband."

Raise your hand if you are cringing, or wincing, or have done a spit-take with whatever it is you're drinking.

I know. Me too.

WHAAAAA? I had to clarify that mom was not making this up, and she went on to try to explain that my dad is "traditional", and I was wondering if "traditional" meant "mentally retarded", and she was trying to make it seem less totally offensive than it was, and mumbled something about him wanting me to find someone to "take care of" me.

Ironically enough, on my return flight from Houston/Seattle, I put my own bag into the overhead container AGAIN, and also, when the flight attendant offered a cheeseburger and salad for lunch, asked for JUST the cheeseburger. This confused him, as he tried to hand me JUST the salad, and I had to clarify: NO salad, JUST the cheeseburger.

Non-gay flight attendant looked very pleased, handed me the cheeseburger, and added "And I like a girl who can put her own bag up".

Helpless-schmelpless. I want someone who doesn't WANT a helpless girl.

Thanksverymuch.

Dad:


Honestly.
(Ed. note: a thousand apologies for the photo, but this required a serious visual)

Monday, February 4, 2008

Fernando Does Austin - Part I

Thursday night packing was oddly challenging, and after 2 hours of standing in front of an open closet, this is what we had to show for it:


Fernando was as exasperated as I was, and he went straight for the Skyy vodka in the freezer


We finally pulled it together, and headed to SeaTac airport on Friday. We had a little lunch before going to the gate, and Fernando was delighted with these little chocolate-covered pears, and apple caramels. I barely had any.

We met up with Mom in Houston for the flight to Austin. Mom had brought her knitting, and made Fernando a new scarf and hat!


He wouldn't be able to wear them the entire weekend, as it was pretty warm...

And that's what we call a cliffhanger. More tomorrow!